Sharknado

Warning: Spoilers galore with this one. Be prepared.

Premise: A storm hits Los Angeles attracting nothing but sharks. Water sprouts and huge waves carry the sharks inland and they end up attacking people. There, you have it.



Review: I swear, Sci-Fi goes out of its way to come up with the most ridiculous movie plots they could think of. It's like their board room is made up of five year olds and before they make a movie they say: "Alright kids, lets toss around some ideas."
And the kids say: "How about we make a movie with a bunch of sharks, biting and stuff". Then another kid chimes in and says: "Yeah! we can have the sharks fall on people and oooh, we can even make shark tornados so they can fly high in the air attack people." That's when the brains of the operation, a ten year old steps up and says: "That's awesome, but you know what would really make this movie super-duper cool? We have the hero use a chain saw to slice through all the sharks." The board room goes crazy with the possibilities and that's how we get some shit like: Sharknado.

Now, I knew when I clicked on that dvd image on Netflix what I was getting myself into. I didn't go in blind. This is freaking Sci-Fi we're talking about. The reigning undefeated king network of spectacular bullshit. But DAMN! They exceeded my exceptions of just how lame they could go.

First, I'm not even going to bring up the cast. I will talk about those crazy ass CGI sharks though that were the menace of the movie. Now is it me, or did it seem like wherever the hero went, that's where the sharks were? It's as if one of them or all of them were cursed. They could drive through the city and be shark free, but as soon as they got out of the car... here comes the sharknado twister. At one point, it had been waiting for them to arrive at the airport as if it had their itinerary.

Then in the middle of all this chaos, we take the time to bloom romance and whine about how "daddy wasn't there". Now, I don't know about you, but when sharks and only sharks, mind you, (I guess the other marine life didn't get the memo about the jamboree.) are attacking, people ain't got time for all that boo-hooing.

I was to through by the time we got to the end, but then it got worse. Let me just tell you want the plan was. The hero's aviator son decides to fly his helicopter into the shark-filled twister and drop bombs into the eye of it. Now, we all know his little helicopter would have been tossed around. But I let it go, Sci-Fi and all, but I just can't excuse the bomb destroying the twisters. On top of all that insanity, we have the dad shooting the sharks that are getting too close the his son's helicopter with a handgun. When they get too close to his wife and daughter, he uses a chain saw. What. The. F*ck?

This movie broke new grounds on the "Are You Seriously Doing This Shit?" meter and now the device is out of order, just like this movie.

Grade: (F-) You're too dumb for school, a lost cause. I'm sorry.

True Blood Season Six

Fright Night (1985)

Warning: This review will have all sorts of bloody spoilers... wait a minute. Am I to assume you haven't seen this movie yet? Oh, but I bet you've seen Twilight, though.. Right?!


Premise: A teenage slacker-type is into the horror genre big time. One of his favorite TV shows to watch is "Fright Night" starring legendary horror film actor, Peter Vincent as the host. Charlie loves the things that go bump in the night until one night, after doing a little window peeping, he realizes that his next door neighbor happens to be one of those things. The harsh reality of monsters being real hits him like a stake in the heart. Especially now that he's gotten himself in a bind with sexy bloodsucker next door. He's going to need all the help he can get to save the lives of his friend, girlfriend, mom and his own.

Unfortunately, it was too late to save his car. Sad thing, that was.


Review: Now, I was 6 years old when I first saw this movie... yeah, I'm hardcore like that. Being a writer of vampire fiction, I'm often asked, "what initiated my love of vampires?" Well, I can say, without a doubt, it was this movie. From the awesome 80's soundtrack to the sexy bloodsucker who put the "dash" in "dashing" and the "charm" in "Charming."

Was he evil? I wouldn't necessarily say so. However, if you pissed him off, he'd f*ck you up. I can appreciate that in a supernatural being. Let's not forget, even after Charlie spied on him several times, broke into his house and called the cops on him... he was still willing to let him live if he but "forgot about him." Charlie being who he was didn't take the offer. And what follows is why I get sad sometimes when I see vampire movies today. So many are filled with boring, mindless, bloodthirsty beast drooling blood on their chins and all over people's shoes as if that's scary. Where's the sophistication of Jerry Dandridge? The determination and prowess to get what he wanted? His ability to strike fear in the hearts of those who dared challenge him? Let's not take anything away from our fearless (scared as hell) vampire hunters, shall we. They were terrified, but knew that they were the only ones who could saves countless lives.

To me, Fright Night set a standard that is not widely recognized or appreciated in this day in age. For example; name me a recent vampire movie in which the vampire had the audacity to take the woman of his enemy and make her his? He didn't squabble about that decision. He didn't lose sleep over it. He did it because it pleased him to do so. It pleased him to take something valuable away from his enemy knowing it would cause great suffering.

That's vengeance on a whole new level. 

Not only was this movie scary, with some pretty awesome effects for that time, but it was funny and moved at a great pace. No boring spots.  You really feel for the characters and connect with them. You actually feel sorry for some and that's not always easy for a horror movie to do.

To this day, I still have a mad crush on Chris Sarandon's JD and I always will. If anyone is curious where I get some aspects of Darian's personality from... JD was one of my inspirations.

Grade: (A+++) You may sit in the front of the class!

The Walking Dead

Warning: This review will contain spoilers, sarcasm, and some other stuff, too. I'll try not to give too much away, though.

Premise: Like with any zombie infestation movie, book or anything... shit's f*cked up. People are dying, but they aren't staying dead. They're walking around dragging body parts or shuffling around aimlessly causing all kinds of trouble to the living, just trying to survive. We follow Rick Grimes, mainly as he leads a band of badass survivalist from one location to another looking for something permanent to wait out this apocalypse. On the way, there are trials, deaths and general zombie hijinks, that people ain't got the time for.

My Review: This show is the most boring and convoluted TV series I've ever seen.

HA! See, I warned you there'd be sarcasm... or is that just a lie? Hmmmm, I get back to you on that one.

Anyway, the Walking Dead is by far one of the most awesome TV shows ever made. It's rock solid in character and plot development. From the very first episode, you're captured by the settings and characters personalities. you began to care about them and you cheer them on. They are so well developed with their human flaws, courage and love for one another, they're just so endearing and engaging.

Another thing I love about this show is its unpredictability. You really don't know what's going to happen from one episode to the next. That is remarkable for a TV show, to keep you that much on the edge of your seat that you nearly fall off the chair all together.

Then there's the action. O.M.G., you all know how I feel about great action scenes! If my books can attest to that, I LOVE action!
This show gives it to you in every episode. Intense, "are they going to make it? Please don't let so -and-so die!" kinds of action scenes.
What more can any zombie fan ask for?



This show is the total package, villains that make you wish a zombie would just eat their other eyeball and heroes that make you care. If you're not watching this show yet, it's not too late to start. :D

Grade: A++++++  Now stand up and take a bow, Mr. Class President.

Interview with the Vampire

Oh come on, you all knew this one was coming. LOL!


Warning; Spoilers galore in this one... maybe not. But just in case.

Premise: Vampires trying to find some measure of happiness in their long existence. Companionship, love and passion, this is what they are searching for. Lestat, the brat prince, turns Louis, who becomes one of the world's most depressed vampires and together they try to get along without killing each other. To save his marriage...er I mean bond, Lestat creates Claudia, a child and together they form a family. Of course, when the child Claudia becomes a full fledged adult still stuck in a child's boobless body, she becomes quite cross with her two bloodsucking fathers who mind you happen to have all of their fully developed body parts... even if one vital organ doesn't work anymore. (So sad about that).

My Review: O.M.G. this is by far my favorite vampire movie. This one actually knocked Fright Night (the original) out of it's long running number one spot.

Never before had I seen a vampire movie that was all about the vampires and not some hunter trying to kill them. Nor had I seen a vampire movie where the male vampire wasn't looking for the female of his dreams be them a reincarnation or not. This was original in every way possible. Thank you, Anne Rice for this breath of fresh air. This is why you're one of my inspirations.

These vampires are brutal, they kill within reason, but without remorse. Well, Louis is the exception. He'll kill you, but he'll feel bad about it afterward. And who can complain about a movie full of hunky vampires? And yes, the aroma of homo-eroticism made this vampire movie all the more entertaining to me. Why? Well, before IWTV, vampire movies didn't want to "go there" with the male-on -male lusting/biting  etc.

I've got to tell you, when Tom Cruise bit Brad Pitt's neck and you could see the rapture and ecstasy of his bite in Brad Pitt's expression, I damn near jumped up in the movie theater and cheered. Fortunately,  for all the moviegoers, I was too busy grinning like a Cheshire Cat, so they were spared. It was a bold move for Hollywood and I commend everyone involved in that movie for breaking down that wall and then stepping on the rubble as they walked through.



This movie was realistic as far as what you think some vampires would  do when they're together. How do they adapt with the changing times, can they? What makes them turn a human? These questions were addressed and that was so very interesting. The acting was superb and I know people had complaints about TC as Lestat, but I disagree. He nailed that role. Lestat is an intense character and TC is all about intensity. That hotel scene with the two females was amazing. It was as if they took that scene straight from the book itself. Kirsten Dunst's portrayal of Claudia was not only challenging, but it was spot on. To this day, I think that was her best performance.

This was also  one of the few book to movie adaptations that was damn near like bringing the book to life.

My only complaint was the character of Armand. Antonio Banderas had his personality, but not his appearance. For those of you who may not know, Armand is a vampire forever trapped in the body of a 17 year old boy, courtesy of Marius. Still, it's a small complaint and in the end, I could care less because this movie was awesome!

Grade. A+++++  You've just been bumped to the Head of the Class!

Arrow

Warning:  There will be some point blank spoilers, but I'll try to avoid some targets so that I don't ruin the series for you. (Did you like my half-assed attempt at punning? LOL)

Premise: Billionaire Oliver Queen has just returned back home after being lost at sea for over 5 years. Family and friends are happy to have him back again, but they began to learn he's not the same man they knew who left 5 years ago. There's a darker edge to him and it leaves everyone wondering just what did he go through on that island?  Well, he made a promise to his father who died on the island to right all of his wrongs and he plans on keeping that promise and spilling a lot of blood doing so. 

My Review: First off, let me say this show came on before my beloved Supernatural and I didn't catch on to it right away. As a matter of fact, the season was already 10 episodes in before word of mouth reached my ears and told me to get my head out of my ass and tune in. "OMG, D.N. this show is RIGHT up your alley! You love action, sexy men, ass-kicking and great plots, how are you NOT watching Arrow." (Okay, they didn't put it quite like that, but it's close. LOL)

So I said, "Okay, okay, I'll watch it tonight when it comes on." Boy! Am I happy I did. Arrow is everything  I love in my TV series. Strong characters and world building. Great choreographed fight sequences and action scenes. And above all, logical and intricate storylines. There are times when I think the hero may come off a bit too stubborn to the point of stupidity. I also feel that he's a bit too harsh to those who are risking their lives to help him. What I do like is that they don't have sidekicks that remain silent about their feelings. If he does something that pisses them off, they let him know about it. I respect stories that hold all of their characters accountable for their actions. 

Another thing I love is the fact that he doesn't have an issue with killing the bad guy. This isn't your Smallville Green Arrow, he's a brand new breed the people of Star City need a hero like him. 

Of course, no superhero anything wouldn't be complete without the cliched cop who spends more time and energy trying to track down the "vigilante threat" that's actually helping to save lives, rather than the actual criminals out there who are taking lives. But hey, I guess I can't have it all my way.

I enjoyed season one and I'm looking forward to season two. If you haven't already check out this series, you don't know what you've been missing.

Grade: A - Now I'm going to need you to work on your people skills so you can learn how to play nice with others. 

The Conjuring

Warning: This review will contain some spoilers, but not many, I don't want to ruin it for ya!

Premise: Another horror movie based off a true story where a family is haunted by an evil entity. They need help, people!

My Review: First off, let me just say that I absolutely believe in this type of stuff. I've had my very own ghostly experiences and I believe anyone when they tell me theirs. So you might ask yourself, why a person who believes in demons and ghosts would enjoy seeing a movie about demons and ghosts? Well, hell, I like scary shit. As long as I don't have to see it right in front of me or happening to me. I don't know what to tell ya.

Moving right along. Now, I don't know if it was this movie or the scared shitless person I had sitting next to me, jumping and screaming at every sound, but this movie scared the hell out of me at all the right moments. I loved it! I haven't had a movie creep me out like this one since The Ring and that was only because someone's telephone rang right after the crazy movie reel finished. You can bet your ass I was counting 7 days. It didn't help that at the time the movie was playing, my companion leans over and says, "Should we be watching this film?" I laughed and the movie finish and then the cell phone rung. That's how it happened. But I digress. LOL.

The Conjuring was full of scary sounds that put you right in the mix of the fear the characters were feeling. They gave you glimpses of the threat without over-saturating it. It kept you scared and tense the entire time. It's been a while since Hollywood has been able to pull this off, that's for sure. The story line wasn't completely original, but it was well told. You felt for all of the character involved and you couldn't help but wonder how much was liberties and how much was real. My heart goes out to the family this movie is based off of.

It is well worth the price of a movie ticket to go see this one on the big screen.

Grade: A .  Congratulations on making the Honor Roll.

The Wolverine

Warning: This review will contain spoilers, so if you don't want to know certain details about the movie, you may want to read anyway, because if you're like me, I like to get teased a bit. ;)

Premise: The events in this movie take place after X-men 3, so you see a Wolverine suffering the aftereffects of what took place at the final showdown. He's a man on the edge and reliving nightmares every day. He's approached by a young woman who says that an old friend of his, someone who owes their life to Wolverine wants to say his final “goodbye” and requests Logan's presence. Logan goes, because he's honorable like that. The man warns Logan that his granddaughter is in danger and that triggers that soldier/protector vibe inside Logan, rekindling his desire to slice and dice. He'll do whatever it takes to save Mariko (I think that was her name) from whatever threat is out there.

Review: Wolverine is probably my favorite X-Man, I have a few, but he's my top guy. I love his attitude, his swagger, his sexy muscles and his abilities. I was pretty excited to see they were going to give a Wolverine movie another go. Origins wasn't horrible, I enjoyed it, but it could have been so much better. Now, was The Wolverine, the “Wolverine movie fans have been waiting for”, as the TV trailers claim? Well, for me, it wasn't. It was better than the X-men movies and it was better than Origins, but it wasn't the ultimate Wolverine movie. In comparison, it paled horribly to other spring/summer blockbusters like Iron Man 3, Man of Steel and Pacific Rim.

Here's why:

1. The guilt-ridden, self-loathing bad dreams Logan had over the death of Jean G. Far too many instances of this going on in the film.
2. There were scenes where they could have added more fight sequences, more action. I can count on one hand the amount of times Logan used his claws to Julienne salad someone. That's not nearly enough slicing and dicing to satisfy this Wolverine fan, I'll tell you that!
3. The story line dragged a bit.
4. I also got the vibe that Logan didn't like being a mutant and that's not the Logan I know and love. I guess there was too much angst going on in the movie for my taste regarding my favorite kick-ass X-man.

That fight sequences that were in the movie were well done and I enjoyed seeing Logan do his thing. His signature attitude was there for the most part, especially when having a certain “conversation” with a fellow whose answers had to please Logan, or else.

Overall, it didn't leave me with a feeling of euphoria when the credits started to roll. I wasn't charged in my seat as I watched the action scenes like I was when I was watching Man of Steel and Pacific Rim. The humor was on the mild side, I expected a bit more because Wolverine is one sarcastic dude. I did enjoy it, and I'd most likely will buy the Blu-ray when it hits the stores.

Grade: (B-) I'm going to have to assign you some extra credit courses so that you can catch up with the rest of your peers. (If it weren't for Hugh owning the role and flashing me plenty of skin, this would have been a C+ movie. )

The Heat

Warning: This review will contain some spoilers, oh yes it will.

Premise: Two cops from different fields of law enforcement must put aside their differences to band together to stop a kingpin bad guy from selling drugs, guns and all that shit to people in the community and maybe the suburbs.

Review: *Sucks in breath* Chaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Hmmm, what can I say about this movie that hasn't already been said about Rush Limbaugh? It was loud and obnoxious. But unlike Rush, it was also kind of funny. There were scenes that were severely overacted to the point where the comedy was lost and then there were scenes that had just the right amount of "WTF", to be funny.

This is one of those movies where you just can't suspend your disbelief to enjoy it, you literally have to fire it. I say this because while I was watching it, I kept thinking there is no way in hell these two women would ever be officers of the law, especially McCarthy's character. Some of her insults went a bit too far, were a bit overplayed, if you will. The plot was predictable and a little shallow. Did I truly buy them being BFF towards the end, mmmm, not really, but they're getting there.

Overall, it's a funny film here and there, but nothing to get excited about.

Grade: C-  I'm going to have to assign you to detention for your immature conduct.

Pacific Rim

Warning: This review is going to contain some spoilers, because I am still geeked about it.

Premise: Aliens have decided that it's time to wreck a little hell on planet Earth and take it over. It's up the the last of the human resistance to make sure they save what's left of humanity from annihilation.

Review: OMG, this movie had me so excited as I sat there with my tasty, unnecessarily expensive ginger ale (at least it was free refills) and overpriced "gourmet" burgers. But enough about my shake down at the cinema, and on to one of the summer's most amazing movies!

Are you looking for action? Hell yeah, you are,  who isn't? Well, I'm here to tell you, there is tons of action in this movie. For every anime fan out there who loves anime shows/movies with huge robots battling monsters, this is also the movie for you.

Oh, and Sons of Anarchy fans will be happy to see both Jax and Clay in the same film. *Giggle*. What I loved about Pacific Rim was the special effects. They didn't look corny or too computerized. You actually felt like what you seeing could be real. The characters were well developed and they had heart. you actually cared when something horrible happened to them. Another thing I liked was that this plot went through a time line from the first alien attack and what was done to counter future attacks. It brought you up to date. So it wasn't like you had to watch them struggle with a plan, then waste action movie time building the machines. You get to jump right into the excitement even before the credits started.

That's how you do it, people.

I thoroughly enjoyed this movie and wouldn't mind seeing it again.

Grade: A+  Look who just made the Dean's list.

Warm Bodies

Warning: This review may contain spoilers. Let's be honest, there's going to be some spoilers in this review. I'm not even going to pretend otherwise. You've been warned. :D

Premise: Hmmm, let me see if I can get it all straight. The world has fallen into a zombie apocalypse and the humans have to struggle to survive. Okay, that's standard when zombies are present. But it's not just Zombies that's a problem, there's monster zombies out there. The zombies that zombies are afraid of. And in the mists of all this zombiefying there's a love blooming between a human girl and a teenage zombie.

Review: I will go on record saying that I will never ever see a zombie as a love interest. I don't care how good looking he is before his flesh rots off his face. No sir, please keep it moving, with your dead, brain-eating ass.

Having said that, I'll say that this movie was luke warm. I haven't read the book, so my opinion is based solely off the movie. I just couldn't buy the possibility of the teenage zombie reverting back to his human self simply because he was falling in love. Question, what turned them all into zombies in the first place? Aren't they dead? They've been killing people and eating brains for how long now, but all of a sudden, they decide it's time to jump back into the land of humanity and all it took was a vision of young love smooching, holding hands and going on joy rides?

These other zombies were ruthless killers, they didn't even have girlfriends interested in them and even they were putting down the brains for a chance at life again. Dead hearts started beating and it begs the question of: Why now? If they could have become human at any time, why even bother going zombie rabid in the first place?

I'm sorry, this movie left too many unanswered questions in favor of mildly entertaining jokes.

Grade: D+ We're going to need to have a parent/teacher conference to discuss your lack of motivation.

The Purge

Warning this review may contain all kinds of spoilers. Which ones? I can't tell you. I haven't written the review yet. But if you read on and you come across some, you can't blame me... you've been warned. LOL. :D


Premise: To restore peace and tranquility to the world, the government has come up with the ultimate plan. Order will be in place for 364 days out of the year. But one night, for 12 hours straight, crime is legal, so don't even think about calling the police, they ain't coming. As one family had to learn the hard way.

Review:
Was this movie predictable? Kind of.
Did I like it? You bet!

I liked the violence that's in this movie. I enjoy Ethan Hawks' character. His children and bumbling wife, on the other hand, they were more than a little annoying. Why are movie kids so stupid? His son lets a stranger, who's being hunted into the house. Apparently, he couldn't just not do anything, so he wanted to save a life.

Question: Why in the hell are you looking at the security cameras in the first place if you know what you see on this night is going to bother you? This ain't your first rodeo kid, better play some video games and act like what's going on outside is a bad dream. I wonder if he's going to do that mess again the next year?

The daughter sneaks her boyfriend inside the house who her parents don't approve of on the ONE night NO ONE should be inside your home other than the ppl who live there. And even then, you're taking a chance. Crime is legal people. So if you have a grudge you've been holding in all year, this is the night to let it out and bash in some heads, slice and dice and implant some bullets. So you can imagine her father and boyfriend's "confrontation" didn't end on a good note.

Now on top of all that, the stranger the son lets in is hiding in the house somewhere and the people who were hunting him are now threatening the family who's "harboring" him. Is it just me, or did the bad guy look like the Joker? Anyway, as you may have guessed from the previews, they get inside the house and all hell breaks loose. I'm not going to say much more than that, because that would be telling.

There was a nice amount of gritty action, a few surprises that I didn't see coming and some satisfying "that's what your ass gets!" moments. All in all, I was pleased with this movie.

Grade:  B Hopefully next semester, you can turn that "B" into an "A" with just a little  more effort.

Man of Steel

Warning: This review will contain spoilers, but I'll try my best not to give too much away.

Premise: Zod and his cohorts were sentence to the “Phantom Zone” for their crimes against Krypton and right before the planet explodes, they are sent away. But they weren't the only Kryptonians to vacate the planet before its inevitable doom. Jor-El and his wife managed to send their only son, the last natural birth son of Krypton to Earth so that he may live, and with him goes all the hopes and dreams and the future of Krypton. Of course, Zod and his brood escape the Phantom Zone and find themselves on Earth to raise hell and rebuild Krypton. It's up to one man to make sure that doesn't happen.

(I tried not to give too much away in the premise.)

Okay, for those of you who don't already know this about me, I am a HUGE Superman fan. I have every movie, cartoon, and TV series ever made. I even enjoyed watching the 1980's Superboy TV series and if you've ever seen a clip of that, you know just how much of a fan one would have to be to tune into that show every week. Have I read every comic book? No. But that's only because I'm not a comic book reader, but I know his origins and his story just like every other Superman expert. 

Now, having said that, I must say the "Man of Steel" was THEE Superman I've been waiting for my entire life! I know there's a huge controversy out there regarding the ending of the movie, but that's one of the parts I loved the most. Superman was created in the 30's and let's face it, there was a LOT of injustice going on during that time that was never reflected in the origins of his stories. So a part of me always felt his personality was outdated. Fighting for "Truth, Justice and The American Way" leaves a lot open to questions, such as; What is the "American Way"? How was America founded? That should be the first question you have to ask yourself and the answer isn't necessarily the way Superman should go. One man's truth is another man's lie and One person's Justice is another person's injustice, which is why people are falsely accused and criminals get away with committing crimes. It's a tricky thing that's not always black and white. There are many shades of gray in between.

So let's face it, Superman needed a 21st century reboot and fast! Thank goodness Director Zack Snyder and writer David S. Goyer knew exactly what to do. Superman may be Kryptonian by birth, but all of his ideals are human because that's all he's ever known.  He was raised by humans, loved by them, he's grown up watching them fight and die to protect their family, land, county and those who can't protect themselves. So this is what he should believe in, this is what he should uphold. And in the "Man of Steel", he did. 

This movie pushed Superman to his limits and it was nice to see him use his abilities to the max. He was paired with villains that left absolutely no room for peaceful negotiations and Superman had to open several cans of whoopass on the lot of them. There was tons of action from beginning to end and I think I sat there in the show with a cheesy grin on my face like the Joker the entire time. I really loved how they did the flashbacks because we didn't need yet another movie showing us how Clark Kent grew to be Superman from the moment he was discovered by Johnathan and Martha Kent. We have the Christopher Reeves Superman for that and the awesome TV show "Smallville". So they didn't beat us over the head with his childhood into adulthood, but instead gave us pertinent flashbacks that helped tell his story and the beliefs he had as an adult. 

The plot was solid, the action was packed and it doesn't apologize in the least for getting your blood pressure pumped and your heart racing. I can appreciate that. :D

And Henry Cavill was supersexy as Superman. All I can say is; bring on Man of Steel 2 and then the Justice League!!!

Grade: A +++ I'm inducting you into the Honors Society!

Twilight

Due to popular demand to write a review for this movie, I offer you the follwing. Never let it be said that D.N. Simmons doesn't bend over backwards to please her fans. :D

Okay, I've never read the books, mainly because YA just isn't my thing. I love adult themes, adult language, graphic violence, nudity and strong sexual situations. However, when it comes to my glowing tube, I seek out any and all things vampire regardless of the MPAA rating.

So this Twilight review is based solely on the movie.

Warning, this review most likely will contain spoilers.

Premise: Boring, emotionless girl instantly falls in love with boring grown-ass-man-trapped-in-pitiful-boy's-body vampire who just might  have a split personalty. Boring vampire comes from a family of other boring vampires who only feed on animals. There is a villain who emerges at some point in the form of a vampire trio who enjoy feeding on humans. Oh, I almost forgot, there's also a werewolf who's thrown in as a possible love interest for boring, emotionless girl, who goes by the name of Jacob.

Oh lordy, this movie was terrible. First off, the name, Bella Swan? Her parents actually had the unmitigated gall to name her Bella Swan? There's so much arrogance oozing off that name, it's damn near unbearable. But more importantly, who is Bella Swan? At no point do we see who she is even though the story is told from her point of view. What are her favorite things to do? Does she have a favorite food, book, song, etc.? Who were her friends back in Phoenix? Did she have any? Do they call each other? There's nothing about her to help build her character.

The only thing you know about Bella is that she is unquestionably in love with Edward. Oh, and apparently, she's so clumsy. At the extremities she's described how clumsy she is, you'd think she'd have killed herself off by now. How did she climb stairs without breaking her ankle and falling to her death? How is she able to drive being as clumsy as she says she is? Apparently she didn't want to go to the school dance because she's too clumsy. How clumsy? You mean to tell me she can't step side-to-side while being guided by a male partner? How is she able to walk a straight line? Simply put, it's a terrible and ridiculous personality trait to give a character to this extent, especially if it's inconsistent.

Back to who Bella is, because I don't want there to be any confusion. Bella sleeps, drinks, eats and breathes Edward. He is her world. I don't even see the importance of adding Jacob, because at no point do you see her at odds with her decision to be with anyone other than Edward. It's not like Elena, Stephan and Damon triangle. Or the Sookie, Bill or Eric triangle where either of these men actually have a chance to get with the lucky girl. Jacob is on the outside looking in through a locked window while standing in the rain, and that's where he'll stay.

Onto Edward who was just so flip-floppy and kind of a jerk. He talks down to Bella one minute, then claims he wants to protect her the next all the while fighting off a bloodlust so powerful for her blood he can hardly be near her.

Why is her blood so different from ALL of the other humans he's surrounded by is unknown to the viewer.

At some point, the villains attack, no big deal, really. All's well in Forks, even though one of the baddies managed to escape to wreck semi-PG 13 carnage at a later date.

I don't think there was one thing I enjoyed about this movie. The acting was atrocious, the special effects were cartoonish and the pacing was slow. This movie had more stares in it than Meet Joe Black and that's saying a lot. It's as if they filled the remaining 59mins of movie time with stares to compensate for the shallow plot.

Grade: F- It's time I sat down with your parents to discuss your attitude.  

Spartacus

If you haven't already seen this amazing series... My God, what are you waiting for?!

Anyway, here's the part where I give my warning about spoilers and such. Okay, you've been warned :D

Premise: History will say that Spartacus is the story of a gladiator slave turned rebel leader. But for the sake of the series, I'll say it's the story of a free man, a warrior, turned into a gladiator who said he isn't going to take this shit any longer and became a rebel leader, then legendary hero.

Review: When this series first debuted several years ago, I was a bit skeptic. The special effects didn't impress me from the trailers I'd seen, but still, I was going to give it a chance. After I watched the pilot, I was hooked! Addicted! Strung-out during season breaks and having all kinds of withdrawal symptoms until its return.  This has got to be one of the greatest television shows ever written, acted, directed... created. There is something for everyone in this series. Do you love romance? Yeah, it has it. Tragic at times and even morbid, but romance is often blooming. If you love sex scenes, then you get that by the buckets. But if intrigue, action, blood, guts and battles are your cup of tea, then sit down for a full serving because this particular show glorifies in violence unlike any other.

If you don't know me by now, that's JUST my thing. I love when a show has everything I could ever hope for. The plot lines were always unpredictable, even when you knew the history of some of the characters, and that's not an easy feat on the part of the writers/creators. Each episode was action-packed and loaded with devilish schemes sure to keep any viewer thoroughly entertained.

Special Note: The main actor who portrayed Spartacus originally fell ill before they could continue onto the second season, so they created a prequel to give him time to heal. Unfortunately, Andy Whitfield passed away from cancer. Broke many fans hearts including Yours Truly. I do have to take my hat off to the creators for coming up with a fantastic prequel that gave us the amazing gladiator, Gannicus. Also, they found  another wonderful actor to take up the torch and continue to blaze Spartacus' trail.

The final season wrapped up early this year, so now you can watch back-to-back episodes at your leisure and immerse yourself in this barbaric world of ancient Rome to your heart's content.

Grade:  A++++ I'm nominating you for class Valedictorian.

Kiss of the Damned

 Warning this review will contain all kinds of spoilers. But truth be told, it won't matter because this movie is just that craptastic.

Premise: OMG, WTF did I just watch? Is a question I have to ask myself twice. Here's the premise, let me see if I can make sense of it. Guy meets vampire girl, falls in love instantly. They have sex, she turns him and he wants to be turned. All seems fine and dandy until girl's evil sister comes home for a week-long stay until her new house is move-in ready. Evil sister starts killing all sorts of people with no regard and being all kinds of annoying to her "good" sister, who would rather kill bambi than the hunter who shot bambi's mom. So, she has to figure out how to get her evil sister out of her life before she ruins her fantasy reality. 

Review: Now, having said that. this was one of the most dreariest vampire movies I have seen in a long time. And being a vampire connoisseur such as I am, I have a LONG list of shitty vampire movies mixed in there with some really AWESOME ones, so I take my chances whenever I turn on some bloodsucking cinema. 

This movie made me regret wasting time watching it when I could have been writing. The video was dark, the plotting was slow. There were far too many instances where editing was choppy and had you jumping from scene to scene, leaving you a little bit lost. The acting was terrible, the cinematography was amateurish. Even for a low-budget movie, this was below standards. 

Why, oh why do they make vampires drool blood after "feeding"? It's so wasteful. I expect that kind of eating from the Cookie Monster, not beings who thrive on another being's life force and it's supposed to be the end-all, be-all of their own existence. It's a  cheesy tactic to be gory. 

Apart from the sister killing people, there wasn't anything else going on in this movie. Ughhh!

Grade:  F- with an out of school suspension for five days. 

Fast & Furious 6

One of the things I enjoy about these movies is the returning cast. I like seeing them come together for each new flick.

Having said that, on to my review.

Warning: This review may contain spoilers. In all honesty, expect some spoilers. :D

The Rock... er... I mean Agent Hobbs is trying to take down the most ruthless, fast driving, thieves he's ever had to deal with. In order to do that, he realizes he needs Dom and his team. He's willing to fight fire with a freaking blowtorch and that's what Fast & Furious 6 is all about.

Did it have fast cars? Hells yeah!

Did it have glistening men with rock-hard muscles in places you want to run your fingers? Oh, you KNOW it did!

Did it have all kinds of fancy driving tricks and explosions? Most definitely!

Fast & Furious franchise never lets me down. These are the kind of movies that are just smart enough to give you a bit of a plot twist. Nothing too intricate. It's all about the guys, gals and cars. I enjoyed the action in the movie. Some of it was over-the-top, but with a movie like this, you want that. It had humor and  some very nice hand-to hand combat scenes. Very entertaining.

Oh, is it just me, or was that the longest airport runway ever built? That thing must have been like 10 miles long. LOL!

Grade: A  That little bit of extra credit went a long way.

p.s. By the way,  I can wipe that baby oil off the Rock. *wink*

Iron Man 3

Do I really have to do a synopsis? I do? Fine then.

Warning: This review will contain spoilers

The Mandarin is the new threat Billionaire Tony Stark is facing. He's a heartless terrorist that appears to be releasing bombs around the country in a way to strike fear in the hearts of mankind. It's up to Tony AKA Iron Man to kick his ass and save the country. 

Alright, I think that sums it up without giving too much away. 

I had to actually see this movie twice to appreciate it, which is rare for me regarding an Iron Man movie. I loved the first two films. Yes, you heard me correctly, I liked Iron Man 2. When I first saw the 3rd movie, I wondered why there was more Tony in the movie than Iron Man? I wasn't fully sure what the villains agenda really was. Why was Tony's Iron Man suits so flimsy all of a sudden? Also, I didn't know why everyone seem to know how to control those suits. 

I still had some of those questions after watching it the second time, but I also had a bit more understanding.  Because the enemy redesign the color scheme on the Warmachine Suit, that gave them ample opportunity to master it. Fine, I'll buy that.  The Mandarin wanted to create an army of super soldiers and rule the world. OKay, fine... makes sense, what bad guy doesn't want that. 

As for Iron Man not being the main hero in the movie, I get it. Tony got the much needed exposure because he IS Iron Man. He makes the suit and that's what the movie was trying to prove. Not only do I get that, but I also appreciate it more. 

But still, when did his suits become so flimsy? Like really, how many times did the Mark whatever, break apart? Although, I will admit, it was funny at the end. :D

For a third installment, it was still entertaining. But the first IM reigns supreme. 

Grade: A- Hopefully your appearance in Avengers 2 will turn that (-) into a (+++) Good work anyway.

Star Trek

Well, let's start with the premise, shall we?

Warning: this review may contain spoilers.

The star fleet goes under attack and Captain Kirk goes on a mission to avenge those who were killed and to generally take down the bad guy. His superior commander tells him he doesn't want to cause a tussle in space with the Klingon enemy, so he comes up with a plan for Kirk to kill the man who attacked the Fleet with an army of missiles. I think it was 72 to be exact. Correct me if I'm wrong. Gun ho and ready to kick some serious ass, Kirk takes control of the Enterprise and set's out on his mission. It goes without saying, several members of his trusted crew don't agree with the mission and they do express themselves. They finally reason with Kirk and he decides to do things their way. They enter the planet where their attack is known to be hiding and are confronted by another very real enemy, the Klingons.   A battle ensues and they end up being saved by the one man they came there to kill. They capture him because he surrenders and what comes next is a tale woven very intricately, almost to the point you lose track of who's the bad guy. Turns out, they're multiple bad guys, but I don't want to give too much away.

Now, I'm no Trekkie. I may have seen all of five Star Trek episodes on TV, but I know a damn good movie when I see one. And Star Trek was a damn good movie. It had tons of action, wit and humor and none of it was over the top or out of place. As a matter of fact, some of the humor was very subtle. I really enjoyed the first ST movie and I think the second one was even better. The main villain really made the heroes work for it and... well, he was bad ass.

I have no complaints. Bravo.

Grade: A+ Here's a gold star for you.

Snow White and the Huntsman

Warning: This review contains spoilers.  Okay, you've been warned. :D

Premise: Snow white must escape the evil clutches of her wicked stepmother, find out who she really is, rally an army that will follow her into battle to defeat her wicked, witchy stepmother and somehow fall in love.

Review:

When I first saw the movie poster for this film, it featured hotlicious hunk, Chris Hemsworth and I was on the hook. Then later, I learned that Snow White would be played by Kristen Stewart and my enthusiasm to see this movie flew out of the window faster than a "Supernatural" demon's soul out of opened gates of hell.

Here's why. She can't act, Lord help us, she can't. I am NOT exaggerating when I say she kept the same expression on her face throughout the entire movie. And I don't think she closed her mouth once. She appeared to be under so much stress trying to emote, especially during the scenes where she should have been crying, or showing admiration or love, attraction, etc. Even her (less than) rousing speech to her army lacked in passion and conviction.

 She ruined the movie for me. Charleze Theron's character, her amazing wardrobe, the intriguing little people and looking at Chris H. made the movie bearable.

I also didn't like the forced romance between Snow White and the Huntsman. The chemistry was never there and it seemed to almost come out of nowhere. For most of the movie, you believe that Snow White is supposed to reconnect with the prince from her childhood and that would have made more sense. It was as if the director and writers said, "well, both of these actors are popular right now, let's make them fall in love". without actually building the love between them so that the viewers could watch it blossom. And what kind of ending was that? She didn't even really smile at the Huntsman and isn't he supposed to be the love of her life? You're left with not knowing if he sticks around or hits the road.

Grade: F- See me after class and bring your parents.

True Blood

True Blood - Season One

Warning: This review will contain spoilers so if that's okay with you, please read on.

There are some things I really liked about this season and then there's some things I didn't. I really enjoy the multiple story lines. I love seeing a plot unfold from various point of views instead of just following one person and that person's opinion. I like that the writers decided to breathe new life into characters that were more so supporting cast in the books. Here everyone's the star and that's awesome.

I like the world that both CH and AB created. I enjoy reading about vampires, shifters and other supernatural beings being out in the open, much like the X-men. Don't get me wrong, the shadow supes are fun, too. It's just something exciting about walking into a room where you know you might be among supernatural creatures. Maybe that's just the fiction writer in me. *Giggle*

The character interactions were great and where some actors are concerned, you really feel the chemistry between them and their amazing acting ability almost makes you feel as though you're a fly on the wall watching something real take place as opposed to a TV show.

What I didn't like. I'm not fond of the Sookie character and I've got an issue with writers creating characters that are hypocrites, but rarely or never get called on it. (I had this same issue with Buffy. I felt that she never said what she should have said to people when they were ragging on her, Xander especially.)  I loved when Sam told Sookie off on the dance floor when she continued to berate him for not telling her he was a shifter. That should have happened more often. Like when Sookie, after Bill leaves with Eric, Pam and Chow to go the tribunal, tells Tara, "I don't even know what I'm supposed to be mad at you about".  Why does she feel she needs to be mad at Tara? Her best friend wanted to share some really amazing news with her, and she verbally attacked her first. You'd think Sookie would have at least acknowledged that something wonderful happened to Tara and to share in that for a spell, then tell Tara what was making her upset concerning Bill.

The character of Sookie seemed so flighty. She'd toss her dead Grandma in people's faces when she wanted them to feel sorry for her, but the only thing that seemed to be on her mind was Bill and what he was doing and where he was at, as opposed to worrying about the person trying to kill her. I also didn't like that she would tell people to mind their own business when they'd question her about Bill and her decision to be with him. But at the same time, she wants everyone to accept Bill and them as a couple. She never got called on that. So it left me frustrated as a viewer.

Still I fell in love with this series and I've watched every episode and will post reviews for each season when I can.

Grade: B- I need you to put forth more effort.

The Thompsons

This was an interesting vampire film, right here. told with a bit of Quentin Tarantino flare and just the right amount of gore... for some, it may be too much. However, I enjoyed my cringe moments. This movie reminds people just how horrible vampires can be. If you enjoyed movies like Near Dark, you'd most likely enjoy this one as well.

Here's the premise: Vampire family and I do mean family, brothers and sister are on the run. Because they made the mistake of killing a bar full of people and getting caught on camera. In this day and age, that's the last thing you want to do. Killing on Camera? Youtube, here we come! But that's not their only problem, you know what? Let me go back a bit. Their little brother was shot by a group of robbers which is what started the killing spree. So , now that I've caught you up, I'll continue.

They are searching for other vampires, perhaps someone out there who can help them save their brother's life. They've been keeping him alive on human blood, but just barely. So one of the brothers, the one telling the story, goes to a town where they're told they can find help. Here's where it gets interesting, they do meet other vampires and that's when all hell breaks loose. It's bastard-ass vampires vs. bastard-ass vampires and what follows is a lot of gore, blood and ass kicking.

It's an indie-film that's made it's mark. My only complaint is I wished they were a bit stronger... supernaturally speaking.

B+ Looking forward to the third movie if there's going to be one. :D

Evil Dead

Evil Dead... what can I say about this movie. It seriously pales in comparison to the original, like most remakes do.

Was there a lot of gore? Yes.
Were there a lot of screams? Yes.
Did it have evil things going on? Well, yeah, but there was more stupid things going on than evil.

Warning, this review will contain spoilers, so if you don't mind that... read on. :D

Here's the premise, A group of twenty-somethings go out to a cabin in the woods of all places... have we not learned anything from every horror movie ever made? Anyway, they go out there to the doomed cabin in an attempt to cleanse their friend and one guy's sister from her drug habit. Apparently, Betty Ford or even keeping her at home wasn't an option. They needed this sinister, rundown, remote location to get the job done. Or so says the resident nurse of the bunch. Here's when all goes to hell, so to speak.

Why in all that is unholy did the character with the glasses decide to bring the book, bound in metal wire and black plastic bags, back upstairs after seeing WHAT was in the basement? Dead, decomposing cats hanging from the ceiling and fire markings along a column is a clear indicator to get the F&%K out of town ASAP.

But that never happened. Not only did he bring the book up from the creepy basement, he read from it after ignoring ALL of the many, many warnings scribbled throughout the book. I must stress, that this guy was not under any sort of mystical evil influence, which would have made more sense if he was. Instead, he was just incredibly stupid and leaves you wishing him the worst death of all.

Another thing that kept happening that just made me roll my eyes, why, oh why did everyone go places alone? How many people had to get attacked by the Evil before they realized that going somewhere alone wasn't a good idea. I'll tell you, apparently everyone has to be attacked because no one learned from one person's mistake.

And how dumb was the one character who went into the basement where the crazy, demon girl was, acting like there was just some sort of misunderstanding and all was going to be well, In spite of everything she'd seen prior? Really dumb, I tell you. Down right asinine it was and completely frustrating.

It was just bad people. Even the EVIL was stupid. By the end of the movie, I didn't want anyone to survive.

Grade: F- It's time to have a parent-teacher conference.

Good Day to Die Hard

Going to see a "Good Day to Die Hard" turned out being a "Bad Day to Spend Hard-Earned Money" or even "A Bad Day to Go To The Movies".  Remember classic lines like "Yippie ki yay motherf*cker-" or how about this one: "welcome to the party, pal"  and who can forget: "Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs". Those were great, iconic lines. But what was offered to us in this latest installment was; "I'm on vacation". Which clearly John McClane wasn't. The closest he came to actually being  "on vacation" was the vacation time he took off work to try to save his son who was locked up in a Russian prison.

Turns out, his son is a CIA agent undercover and what follows is a lot of crying and whining from a grown man who was still pissed that "daddy wasn't there". The daughter forgave her father, maybe it's time he did, too, considering Daddy Dearest spent a lot of time saving a LOT of people from bad guys with evil plans. I mean, did you see the ass beating he took in the first movie? Glass in the foot, open wounds everywhere requiring stitches. I mean, give the man a break!

The action was so over the top, even I had to roll my eyes. I would have been able to swallow it more if JM didn't seriously crash two cars and escape without a scratch or even a dizzy spell. Was his skin made of Teflon? WTH? I could go on and on listing the things that made this movie a failure and a joke at the same time, but I won't. I don't want to give that much away.

F-, See me after class.

Dredd

Now, don't get me wrong, I really liked the first one with Sly, but I loved the newest version starring Karl Urban. It was grittier, meaner, more action-packed. I'm always a fan of explosive gunshots, bombs blasting and people being thrown off of 200 story buildings... in movies/TV that is. I hate when I hear about it on the news. But violent movies are my guilty pleasure and this one gave it to me in healthy doses.

Storyline is Dredd, the baddest Judge on the payroll takes a rookie into the heart of one of the most violent communities in the city. Mama, the female drug lord of the community wants to stop the two Judges from leaving with one of her goons, so she puts a hit out on them that has over 100 residents gunning after the Judges. What follows is some of the best action that 2012 had to offer making me pissed I missed my opportunity to see this one on the big screen.

I have no complaints. A+++ Stand up and take a bow!

Total Recall

This review may contain spoilers… truth be told, I’m pretty sure there will be spoilers.


Okay,  so yeah, the original “Total Recall” with Aaaaahhhnold was a lot of fun and entertaining… I’ve got to say this movie is one of those rare occasions where the remake is better than the original.  If you can’t already tell from my lists of favorite movies and TV, I’m an action lover. Explosions, flying fists and feet, shooting bullets and bombs are my thing.  They make me smile, so I was pleasantly surprised with “Total Recall” 2012 starring Colin Ferrell. There was so much action and kick-ass hand-to-hand combat scenes that I was nearly in a state of delirium by the half-way point. You ever watch a movie where the action is so fantastic, you don’t really care that the plot is lacking? Yeah, it was like that.

For instance, how did they find the secret location of the leader of the Resistance?  They weren’t followed from what I could see and Colin’s character didn’t have a tracking device on him at that time. More importantly, just what in the hell was that movie about anyway? There was a rich person who wanted more control and land, so his plan was to make more police robots. I supposed he wanted to use his army of robots to strike fear in the hearts of the free citizens to force them to bend to his will. Where were all the other rich people in powerful positions to stop this mad man from accomplishing his monopoly on all the land and its people?

Ah hell, none of that matters because the action was so intense and entertaining. Just sit back, eat some popcorn and have fun.

Solid B - Casting a cute and cut Irish hottie gives you the extra credit that brought up your grade.

The Possession

Before I begin this review, let me warn you, there are spoilers. If that doesn't bother you, please read on. 

There's a reason why I don't rush out to the theater to see movies where the person is possess by some kind of evil spirit or demon. The reason is... the characters are never practical. I've just watched the "Possession" and like most movies with this theme, there was a lot of loud noises, creepy shadows, people walking around in completely dark rooms and refusing to turn on the light... seriously, what is everyone's aversion to turning on the damn light?

Nothing really scary happened in this movie. So either I'm completely jaded to evil spirit/demon possession movies, or Hollywood has lost it's touch to scare its audience. Either way, I was pretty bored with it. Another thing I don't like is the fact that characters don't explain themselves the way they should. A little explanation can go a long way and would get things moving a lot faster by way of getting an exorcism on the agenda.

Also, I hate when the lights flicker or go out completely and then something drastic happens but you as the audience didn't get to see how or why. This is a cheat and it cheapens the movie. Apparently, the director/writer didn't want to explain how the ghost switched bodies, or why, since we're told that it's a spirit that devours children. Why would it want the body/life of her father when it was pretty much fully bonded with the daughter? And how did it enter him? Didn't get to see that part, because the lights went completely dark and then the scene was switched without any explanation whatsoever.

It had the potential to be good, but it wasn't.

C-, I'm assigning extra-credit homework.

Taken 2

Okay, so here it is, I'm a bit behind on my cinema experiences as of late, but I'll catch you up on what I've seen thus far.

I've finally watched Taken 2. Now when I first heard they were doing Taken 2, I was like, "really? Some movies don't need sequels." But I enjoyed "Taken" so much, I decided to check out the sequel. Well, I'm pleased to say that it wasn't what I was expecting and let me clarify that I try my best not to put my expectations on movies, but sometimes I can't help it.

Liam Neeson was pretty kickass in the movie and what works is that he was believable in his kickassery. (Oh, by the way, I will be making up my own words of the course of my reviews).

The storyline was entertaining and plausible. I will say that the villains were a little too lax, so to speak. That's just a nice way to say that they did some dumb things in that movie. Still, the story was solid enough to make the hero look good and create enough drama. I'm actually looking forward to Taken 3 which I clearly see one coming. The one thing that did annoy me was the daughter. I don't know, but after being kidnapped, drugged and sold to a grotesque man for his carnal pleasures, you'd think a girl would want her father to be concerned about the men in her life.
"Yes, Daddy, please do a background check on all of my boyfriends, car mechanics, doctors, etc." Call me paranoid if you want to. It's always better to be safe than sorry. And I will enable GPS on all of my Wi-Fi devices. I want my special agent father to be able to find me anywhere, even on the moon.

I thought the daughter was a bit too carefree and unappreciative, not to mention a little stupid considering who her father is and what she's been through. The mother really does need to learn some defense techniques for her own good if she's going to be hanging around with her ex-husband and daughter. But overall, it was a pretty good movie. I'd give it a B+