Saturday, March 1, 2014

Vampire Academy

Warning: There will be spoilers in this here review. Maybe even lots of them... I don't know... but expect at least one spoiler.

Premise: Ummm, I believe it's about a school where young vampires go to learn magic and fighting skills. You have the Dhampir whose job it is  to protect the vampires and especially vampire royalty. That's where are two main characters come in. Rose is Lissa's dhampir protector. The two women ran away from the academy for a year for freedom, but all those fun and games are over with now. The school tracked their globe trotting asses down and brought them back for more training.

My Review:  Now, I know this is based off a book series. I also know that Hollywood has a real knack for crapping on good books and changing things around completely. From what fans of the book series have told me, the books are much better, more darker. I wish the movie would have stuck to the darker themes. This movie was such a disappointment. I sat there, waiting for something significant to happen, like the cool fight in the beginning where they were attacked by a gang of Strigoi, (the evil vampires).
After that excitement and actual danger was over with, the viewer was treated to serious vampire complexities such as: Jealousy. Gossip. Childish Pranks. Animal Slaughters Pranks. Blood Writing On the Wall Pranks. Classroom Bickering. and He Said, She Said Threes Company Misunderstandings. And who can forget the completely forgettable rivalry between the current vampire princess and future one. Why her snarky remarks against Lissa for not being cool enough on campus were unimpressive and pretty unimportant when you consider the grand scheme of things.
So this prompts our future Princess to use her powerful vampire abilities to set things in motion. Now, she doesn't use her abilities to try to figure out who wants to kill her. Nope, she has more pressing matters to be focusing on like hypnotizing the gossip mongers into liking her again. Getting back with her ex-boyfriend and being the cool chick on campus. This of course raises the heckles on the back of Rose's neck. She wants to protect the princess, so on occasion, when she's not flirting with the head security trainer, Dmitri, or frowning at the Edward lookalike who has the hots for her charge, Lissa,  she's doing some investigating into the situation.

Of course, the villain was pretty obvious and the princess was extremely weak. I can't imagine the vampire race surviving much longer with such pitiful excuses for vampires who are supposed to be fighting for good. Lissa didn't even like the word "vampire" to be used to describe them. What kind of shit is that? You're a vampire. That's like a human saying: "Don't call me a human!, by the way, I'm going to be your world leader and I will lead out race with pride and integrity!"

Question: How? You don't even fully accept who or what you are. Not only that, but you couldn't even handle a bit of torture, thus you gave into the villain far too easily and your priorities are all screwed up. I honestly don't see how the strigoi hasn't already taken over the academy when it's full of  these types of  vampires. Especially when they're stronger than them physically. The only one worth their grain of salt is Dmitri.

Grade: (D-) Dmitri being a bona-fide badass saves this movie from failing completely.

Thursday, November 14, 2013


Warning: Spoilers galore with this one. Be prepared.

Premise: A storm hits Los Angeles attracting nothing but sharks. Water sprouts and huge waves carry the sharks inland and they end up attacking people. There, you have it.

Review: I swear, Sci-Fi goes out of its way to come up with the most ridiculous movie plots they could think of. It's like their board room is made up of five year olds and before they make a movie they say: "Alright kids, lets toss around some ideas."
And the kids say: "How about we make a movie with a bunch of sharks, biting and stuff". Then another kid chimes in and says: "Yeah! we can have the sharks fall on people and oooh, we can even make shark tornados so they can fly high in the air attack people." That's when the brains of the operation, a ten year old steps up and says: "That's awesome, but you know what would really make this movie super-duper cool? We have the hero use a chain saw to slice through all the sharks." The board room goes crazy with the possibilities and that's how we get some shit like: Sharknado.

Now, I knew when I clicked on that dvd image on Netflix what I was getting myself into. I didn't go in blind. This is freaking Sci-Fi we're talking about. The reigning undefeated king network of spectacular bullshit. But DAMN! They exceeded my exceptions of just how lame they could go.
First, I'm not even going to bring up the cast. I will talk about those crazy ass CGI sharks though that were the menace of the movie. Now is it me, or did it seem like wherever the hero went, that's where the sharks were? It's as if one of them or all of them were cursed. They could drive through the city and be shark free, but as soon as they got out of the car... here comes the sharknado twister. At one point, it had been waiting for them to arrive at the airport as if it had their itinerary.
Then in the middle of all this chaos, we take the time to bloom romance and whine about how "daddy wasn't there". Now, I don't know about you, but when sharks and only sharks, mind you, (I guess the other marine life didn't get the memo about the jamboree.) are attacking, people ain't got time for all that boo-hooing.
I was to through by the time we got to the end, but then it got worse. Let me just tell you want the plan was. The hero's aviator son decides to fly his helicopter into the shark-filled twister and drop bombs into the eye of it. Now, we all know his little helicopter would have been tossed around. But I let it go, Sci-Fi and all, but I just can't excuse the bomb destroying the twisters. On top of all that insanity, we have the dad shooting the sharks that are getting too close the his son's helicopter with a handgun. When they get too close to his wife and daughter, he uses a chain saw. What. The. F*ck?
This movie broke new grounds on the "Are You Seriously Doing This Shit?" meter and now the device is out of order, just like this movie.

Grade: (F-) You're too dumb for school, a lost cause. I'm sorry.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

True Blood Season Six

Fright Night (1985)

Warning: This review will have all sorts of bloody spoilers... wait a minute. Am I to assume you haven't seen this movie yet? Oh, but I bet you've seen Twilight, though.. Right?!

Premise: A teenage slacker-type is into the horror genre big time. One of his favorite TV shows to watch is "Fright Night" starring legendary horror film actor, Peter Vincent as the host. Charlie loves the things that go bump in the night until one night, after doing a little window peeping, he realizes that his next door neighbor happens to be one of those things. The harsh reality of monsters being real hits him like a stake in the heart. Especially now that he's gotten himself in a bind with sexy bloodsucker next door. He's going to need all the help he can get to save the lives of his friend, girlfriend, mom and his own.

Unfortunately, it was too late to save his car. Sad thing, that was.

Review: Now, I was 6 years old when I first saw this movie... yeah, I'm hardcore like that. Being a writer of vampire fiction, I'm often asked, "what initiated my love of vampires?" Well, I can say, without a doubt, it was this movie. From the awesome 80's soundtrack to the sexy bloodsucker who put the "dash" in "dashing" and the "charm" in "Charming."

Was he evil? I wouldn't necessarily say so. However, if you pissed him off, he'd f*ck you up. I can appreciate that in a supernatural being. Let's not forget, even after Charlie spied on him several times, broke into his house and called the cops on him... he was still willing to let him live if he but "forgot about him." Charlie being who he was didn't take the offer. And what follows is why I get sad sometimes when I see vampire movies today. So many are filled with boring, mindless, bloodthirsty beast drooling blood on their chins and all over people's shoes as if that's scary. Where's the sophistication of Jerry Dandridge? The determination and prowess to get what he wanted? His ability to strike fear in the hearts of those who dared challenge him? Let's not take anything away from our fearless (scared as hell) vampire hunters, shall we. They were terrified, but knew that they were the only ones who could saves countless lives.

To me, Fright Night set a standard that is not widely recognized or appreciated in this day in age. For example; name me a recent vampire movie in which the vampire had the audacity to take the woman of his enemy and make her his? He didn't squabble about that decision. He didn't lose sleep over it. He did it because it pleased him to do so. It pleased him to take something valuable away from his enemy knowing it would cause great suffering.
That's vengeance on a whole new level. 

Not only was this movie scary, with some pretty awesome effects for that time, but it was funny and moved at a great pace. No boring spots.  You really feel for the characters and connect with them. You actually feel sorry for some and that's not always easy for a horror movie to do.

To this day, I still have a mad crush on Chris Sarandon's JD and I always will. If anyone is curious where I get some aspects of Darian's personality from... JD was one of my inspirations.

Grade: (A+++) You may sit in the front of the class!

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

The Walking Dead

Warning: This review will contain spoilers, sarcasm, and some other stuff, too. I'll try not to give too much away, though.

Premise: Like with any zombie infestation movie, book or anything... shit's f*cked up. People are dying, but they aren't staying dead. They're walking around dragging body parts or shuffling around aimlessly causing all kinds of trouble to the living, just trying to survive. We follow Rick Grimes, mainly as he leads a band of badass survivalist from one location to another looking for something permanent to wait out this apocalypse. On the way, there are trials, deaths and general zombie hijinks, that people ain't got the time for.

My Review: This show is the most boring and convoluted TV series I've ever seen.

HA! See, I warned you there'd be sarcasm... or is that just a lie? Hmmmm, I get back to you on that one.

Anyway, the Walking Dead is by far one of the most awesome TV shows ever made. It's rock solid in character and plot development. From the very first episode, you're captured by the settings and characters personalities. you began to care about them and you cheer them on. They are so well developed with their human flaws, courage and love for one another, they're just so endearing and engaging.

Another thing I love about this show is its unpredictability. You really don't know what's going to happen from one episode to the next. That is remarkable for a TV show, to keep you that much on the edge of your seat that you nearly fall off the chair all together.

Then there's the action. O.M.G., you all know how I feel about great action scenes! If my books can attest to that, I LOVE action!
This show gives it to you in every episode. Intense, "are they going to make it? Please don't let so -and-so die!" kinds of action scenes.
What more can any zombie fan ask for?

This show is the total package, villains that make you wish a zombie would just eat their other eyeball and heroes that make you care. If you're not watching this show yet, it's not too late to start. :D

Grade: A++++++  Now stand up and take a bow, Mr. Class President.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Interview with the Vampire

Oh come on, you all knew this one was coming. LOL!

Warning; Spoilers galore in this one... maybe not. But just in case.

Premise: Vampires trying to find some measure of happiness in their long existence. Companionship, love and passion, this is what they are searching for. Lestat, the brat prince, turns Louis, who becomes one of the world's most depressed vampires and together they try to get along without killing each other. To save his I mean bond, Lestat creates Claudia, a child and together they form a family. Of course, when the child Claudia becomes a full fledged adult still stuck in a child's boobless body, she becomes quite cross with her two bloodsucking fathers who mind you happen to have all of their fully developed body parts... even if one vital organ doesn't work anymore. (So sad about that).

My Review: O.M.G. this is by far my favorite vampire movie. This one actually knocked Fright Night (the original) out of it's long running number one spot.

Never before had I seen a vampire movie that was all about the vampires and not some hunter trying to kill them. Nor had I seen a vampire movie where the male vampire wasn't looking for the female of his dreams be them a reincarnation or not. This was original in every way possible. Thank you, Anne Rice for this breath of fresh air. This is why you're one of my inspirations.

These vampires are brutal, they kill within reason, but without remorse. Well, Louis is the exception. He'll kill you, but he'll feel bad about it afterward. And who can complain about a movie full of hunky vampires? And yes, the aroma of homo-eroticism made this vampire movie all the more entertaining to me. Why? Well, before IWTV, vampire movies didn't want to "go there" with the male-on -male lusting/biting  etc.

I've got to tell you, when Tom Cruise bit Brad Pitt's neck and you could see the rapture and ecstasy of his bite in Brad Pitt's expression, I damn near jumped up in the movie theater and cheered. Fortunately,  for all the moviegoers, I was too busy grinning like a Cheshire Cat, so they were spared. It was a bold move for Hollywood and I commend everyone involved in that movie for breaking down that wall and then stepping on the rubble as they walked through.

This movie was realistic as far as what you think some vampires would  do when they're together. How do they adapt with the changing times, can they? What makes them turn a human? These questions were addressed and that was so very interesting. The acting was superb and I know people had complaints about TC as Lestat, but I disagree. He nailed that role. Lestat is an intense character and TC is all about intensity. That hotel scene with the two females was amazing. It was as if they took that scene straight from the book itself. Kirsten Dunst's portrayal of Claudia was not only challenging, but it was spot on. To this day, I think that was her best performance.

This was also  one of the few book to movie adaptations that was damn near like bringing the book to life.

My only complaint was the character of Armand. Antonio Banderas had his personality, but not his appearance. For those of you who may not know, Armand is a vampire forever trapped in the body of a 17 year old boy, courtesy of Marius. Still, it's a small complaint and in the end, I could care less because this movie was awesome!

Grade. A+++++  You've just been bumped to the Head of the Class!

Friday, August 23, 2013


Warning:  There will be some point blank spoilers, but I'll try to avoid some targets so that I don't ruin the series for you. (Did you like my half-assed attempt at punning? LOL)

Premise: Billionaire Oliver Queen has just returned back home after being lost at sea for over 5 years. Family and friends are happy to have him back again, but they began to learn he's not the same man they knew who left 5 years ago. There's a darker edge to him and it leaves everyone wondering just what did he go through on that island?  Well, he made a promise to his father who died on the island to right all of his wrongs and he plans on keeping that promise and spilling a lot of blood doing so. 

My Review: First off, let me say this show came on before my beloved Supernatural and I didn't catch on to it right away. As a matter of fact, the season was already 10 episodes in before word of mouth reached my ears and told me to get my head out of my ass and tune in. "OMG, D.N. this show is RIGHT up your alley! You love action, sexy men, ass-kicking and great plots, how are you NOT watching Arrow." (Okay, they didn't put it quite like that, but it's close. LOL)

So I said, "Okay, okay, I'll watch it tonight when it comes on." Boy! Am I happy I did. Arrow is everything  I love in my TV series. Strong characters and world building. Great choreographed fight sequences and action scenes. And above all, logical and intricate storylines. There are times when I think the hero may come off a bit too stubborn to the point of stupidity. I also feel that he's a bit too harsh to those who are risking their lives to help him. What I do like is that they don't have sidekicks that remain silent about their feelings. If he does something that pisses them off, they let him know about it. I respect stories that hold all of their characters accountable for their actions. 

Another thing I love is the fact that he doesn't have an issue with killing the bad guy. This isn't your Smallville Green Arrow, he's a brand new breed the people of Star City need a hero like him. 

Of course, no superhero anything wouldn't be complete without the cliched cop who spends more time and energy trying to track down the "vigilante threat" that's actually helping to save lives, rather than the actual criminals out there who are taking lives. But hey, I guess I can't have it all my way.

I enjoyed season one and I'm looking forward to season two. If you haven't already check out this series, you don't know what you've been missing.

Grade: A - Now I'm going to need you to work on your people skills so you can learn how to play nice with others.