Saturday, June 22, 2013

Man of Steel

Warning: This review will contain spoilers, but I'll try my best not to give too much away.

Premise: Zod and his cohorts were sentence to the “Phantom Zone” for their crimes against Krypton and right before the planet explodes, they are sent away. But they weren't the only Kryptonians to vacate the planet before its inevitable doom. Jor-El and his wife managed to send their only son, the last natural birth son of Krypton to Earth so that he may live, and with him goes all the hopes and dreams and the future of Krypton. Of course, Zod and his brood escape the Phantom Zone and find themselves on Earth to raise hell and rebuild Krypton. It's up to one man to make sure that doesn't happen.

(I tried not to give too much away in the premise.)

Okay, for those of you who don't already know this about me, I am a HUGE Superman fan. I have every movie, cartoon, and TV series ever made. I even enjoyed watching the 1980's Superboy TV series and if you've ever seen a clip of that, you know just how much of a fan one would have to be to tune into that show every week. Have I read every comic book? No. But that's only because I'm not a comic book reader, but I know his origins and his story just like every other Superman expert. 

Now, having said that, I must say the "Man of Steel" was THEE Superman I've been waiting for my entire life! I know there's a huge controversy out there regarding the ending of the movie, but that's one of the parts I loved the most. Superman was created in the 30's and let's face it, there was a LOT of injustice going on during that time that was never reflected in the origins of his stories. So a part of me always felt his personality was outdated. Fighting for "Truth, Justice and The American Way" leaves a lot open to questions, such as; What is the "American Way"? How was America founded? That should be the first question you have to ask yourself and the answer isn't necessarily the way Superman should go. One man's truth is another man's lie and One person's Justice is another person's injustice, which is why people are falsely accused and criminals get away with committing crimes. It's a tricky thing that's not always black and white. There are many shades of gray in between.

So let's face it, Superman needed a 21st century reboot and fast! Thank goodness Director Zack Snyder and writer David S. Goyer knew exactly what to do. Superman may be Kryptonian by birth, but all of his ideals are human because that's all he's ever known.  He was raised by humans, loved by them, he's grown up watching them fight and die to protect their family, land, county and those who can't protect themselves. So this is what he should believe in, this is what he should uphold. And in the "Man of Steel", he did. 

This movie pushed Superman to his limits and it was nice to see him use his abilities to the max. He was paired with villains that left absolutely no room for peaceful negotiations and Superman had to open several cans of whoopass on the lot of them. There was tons of action from beginning to end and I think I sat there in the show with a cheesy grin on my face like the Joker the entire time. I really loved how they did the flashbacks because we didn't need yet another movie showing us how Clark Kent grew to be Superman from the moment he was discovered by Johnathan and Martha Kent. We have the Christopher Reeves Superman for that and the awesome TV show "Smallville". So they didn't beat us over the head with his childhood into adulthood, but instead gave us pertinent flashbacks that helped tell his story and the beliefs he had as an adult. 

The plot was solid, the action was packed and it doesn't apologize in the least for getting your blood pressure pumped and your heart racing. I can appreciate that. :D

And Henry Cavill was supersexy as Superman. All I can say is; bring on Man of Steel 2 and then the Justice League!!!

Grade: A +++ I'm inducting you into the Honors Society!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013


Due to popular demand to write a review for this movie, I offer you the follwing. Never let it be said that D.N. Simmons doesn't bend over backwards to please her fans. :D

Okay, I've never read the books, mainly because YA just isn't my thing. I love adult themes, adult language, graphic violence, nudity and strong sexual situations. However, when it comes to my glowing tube, I seek out any and all things vampire regardless of the MPAA rating.

So this Twilight review is based solely on the movie.

Warning, this review most likely will contain spoilers.

Premise: Boring, emotionless girl instantly falls in love with boring grown-ass-man-trapped-in-pitiful-boy's-body vampire who just might  have a split personalty. Boring vampire comes from a family of other boring vampires who only feed on animals. There is a villain who emerges at some point in the form of a vampire trio who enjoy feeding on humans. Oh, I almost forgot, there's also a werewolf who's thrown in as a possible love interest for boring, emotionless girl, who goes by the name of Jacob.

Oh lordy, this movie was terrible. First off, the name, Bella Swan? Her parents actually had the unmitigated gall to name her Bella Swan? There's so much arrogance oozing off that name, it's damn near unbearable. But more importantly, who is Bella Swan? At no point do we see who she is even though the story is told from her point of view. What are her favorite things to do? Does she have a favorite food, book, song, etc.? Who were her friends back in Phoenix? Did she have any? Do they call each other? There's nothing about her to help build her character.

The only thing you know about Bella is that she is unquestionably in love with Edward. Oh, and apparently, she's so clumsy. At the extremities she's described how clumsy she is, you'd think she'd have killed herself off by now. How did she climb stairs without breaking her ankle and falling to her death? How is she able to drive being as clumsy as she says she is? Apparently she didn't want to go to the school dance because she's too clumsy. How clumsy? You mean to tell me she can't step side-to-side while being guided by a male partner? How is she able to walk a straight line? Simply put, it's a terrible and ridiculous personality trait to give a character to this extent, especially if it's inconsistent.

Back to who Bella is, because I don't want there to be any confusion. Bella sleeps, drinks, eats and breathes Edward. He is her world. I don't even see the importance of adding Jacob, because at no point do you see her at odds with her decision to be with anyone other than Edward. It's not like Elena, Stephan and Damon triangle. Or the Sookie, Bill or Eric triangle where either of these men actually have a chance to get with the lucky girl. Jacob is on the outside looking in through a locked window while standing in the rain, and that's where he'll stay.

Onto Edward who was just so flip-floppy and kind of a jerk. He talks down to Bella one minute, then claims he wants to protect her the next all the while fighting off a bloodlust so powerful for her blood he can hardly be near her.

Why is her blood so different from ALL of the other humans he's surrounded by is unknown to the viewer.

At some point, the villains attack, no big deal, really. All's well in Forks, even though one of the baddies managed to escape to wreck semi-PG 13 carnage at a later date.

I don't think there was one thing I enjoyed about this movie. The acting was atrocious, the special effects were cartoonish and the pacing was slow. This movie had more stares in it than Meet Joe Black and that's saying a lot. It's as if they filled the remaining 59mins of movie time with stares to compensate for the shallow plot.

Grade: F- It's time I sat down with your parents to discuss your attitude.  


If you haven't already seen this amazing series... My God, what are you waiting for?!

Anyway, here's the part where I give my warning about spoilers and such. Okay, you've been warned :D

Premise: History will say that Spartacus is the story of a gladiator slave turned rebel leader. But for the sake of the series, I'll say it's the story of a free man, a warrior, turned into a gladiator who said he isn't going to take this shit any longer and became a rebel leader, then legendary hero.

Review: When this series first debuted several years ago, I was a bit skeptic. The special effects didn't impress me from the trailers I'd seen, but still, I was going to give it a chance. After I watched the pilot, I was hooked! Addicted! Strung-out during season breaks and having all kinds of withdrawal symptoms until its return.  This has got to be one of the greatest television shows ever written, acted, directed... created. There is something for everyone in this series. Do you love romance? Yeah, it has it. Tragic at times and even morbid, but romance is often blooming. If you love sex scenes, then you get that by the buckets. But if intrigue, action, blood, guts and battles are your cup of tea, then sit down for a full serving because this particular show glorifies in violence unlike any other.

If you don't know me by now, that's JUST my thing. I love when a show has everything I could ever hope for. The plot lines were always unpredictable, even when you knew the history of some of the characters, and that's not an easy feat on the part of the writers/creators. Each episode was action-packed and loaded with devilish schemes sure to keep any viewer thoroughly entertained.

Special Note: The main actor who portrayed Spartacus originally fell ill before they could continue onto the second season, so they created a prequel to give him time to heal. Unfortunately, Andy Whitfield passed away from cancer. Broke many fans hearts including Yours Truly. I do have to take my hat off to the creators for coming up with a fantastic prequel that gave us the amazing gladiator, Gannicus. Also, they found  another wonderful actor to take up the torch and continue to blaze Spartacus' trail.

The final season wrapped up early this year, so now you can watch back-to-back episodes at your leisure and immerse yourself in this barbaric world of ancient Rome to your heart's content.

Grade:  A++++ I'm nominating you for class Valedictorian.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Kiss of the Damned

 Warning this review will contain all kinds of spoilers. But truth be told, it won't matter because this movie is just that craptastic.

Premise: OMG, WTF did I just watch? Is a question I have to ask myself twice. Here's the premise, let me see if I can make sense of it. Guy meets vampire girl, falls in love instantly. They have sex, she turns him and he wants to be turned. All seems fine and dandy until girl's evil sister comes home for a week-long stay until her new house is move-in ready. Evil sister starts killing all sorts of people with no regard and being all kinds of annoying to her "good" sister, who would rather kill bambi than the hunter who shot bambi's mom. So, she has to figure out how to get her evil sister out of her life before she ruins her fantasy reality. 

Review: Now, having said that. this was one of the most dreariest vampire movies I have seen in a long time. And being a vampire connoisseur such as I am, I have a LONG list of shitty vampire movies mixed in there with some really AWESOME ones, so I take my chances whenever I turn on some bloodsucking cinema. 

This movie made me regret wasting time watching it when I could have been writing. The video was dark, the plotting was slow. There were far too many instances where editing was choppy and had you jumping from scene to scene, leaving you a little bit lost. The acting was terrible, the cinematography was amateurish. Even for a low-budget movie, this was below standards. 

Why, oh why do they make vampires drool blood after "feeding"? It's so wasteful. I expect that kind of eating from the Cookie Monster, not beings who thrive on another being's life force and it's supposed to be the end-all, be-all of their own existence. It's a  cheesy tactic to be gory. 

Apart from the sister killing people, there wasn't anything else going on in this movie. Ughhh!

Grade:  F- with an out of school suspension for five days.