Wednesday, June 12, 2013


Due to popular demand to write a review for this movie, I offer you the follwing. Never let it be said that D.N. Simmons doesn't bend over backwards to please her fans. :D

Okay, I've never read the books, mainly because YA just isn't my thing. I love adult themes, adult language, graphic violence, nudity and strong sexual situations. However, when it comes to my glowing tube, I seek out any and all things vampire regardless of the MPAA rating.

So this Twilight review is based solely on the movie.

Warning, this review most likely will contain spoilers.

Premise: Boring, emotionless girl instantly falls in love with boring grown-ass-man-trapped-in-pitiful-boy's-body vampire who just might  have a split personalty. Boring vampire comes from a family of other boring vampires who only feed on animals. There is a villain who emerges at some point in the form of a vampire trio who enjoy feeding on humans. Oh, I almost forgot, there's also a werewolf who's thrown in as a possible love interest for boring, emotionless girl, who goes by the name of Jacob.

Oh lordy, this movie was terrible. First off, the name, Bella Swan? Her parents actually had the unmitigated gall to name her Bella Swan? There's so much arrogance oozing off that name, it's damn near unbearable. But more importantly, who is Bella Swan? At no point do we see who she is even though the story is told from her point of view. What are her favorite things to do? Does she have a favorite food, book, song, etc.? Who were her friends back in Phoenix? Did she have any? Do they call each other? There's nothing about her to help build her character.

The only thing you know about Bella is that she is unquestionably in love with Edward. Oh, and apparently, she's so clumsy. At the extremities she's described how clumsy she is, you'd think she'd have killed herself off by now. How did she climb stairs without breaking her ankle and falling to her death? How is she able to drive being as clumsy as she says she is? Apparently she didn't want to go to the school dance because she's too clumsy. How clumsy? You mean to tell me she can't step side-to-side while being guided by a male partner? How is she able to walk a straight line? Simply put, it's a terrible and ridiculous personality trait to give a character to this extent, especially if it's inconsistent.

Back to who Bella is, because I don't want there to be any confusion. Bella sleeps, drinks, eats and breathes Edward. He is her world. I don't even see the importance of adding Jacob, because at no point do you see her at odds with her decision to be with anyone other than Edward. It's not like Elena, Stephan and Damon triangle. Or the Sookie, Bill or Eric triangle where either of these men actually have a chance to get with the lucky girl. Jacob is on the outside looking in through a locked window while standing in the rain, and that's where he'll stay.

Onto Edward who was just so flip-floppy and kind of a jerk. He talks down to Bella one minute, then claims he wants to protect her the next all the while fighting off a bloodlust so powerful for her blood he can hardly be near her.

Why is her blood so different from ALL of the other humans he's surrounded by is unknown to the viewer.

At some point, the villains attack, no big deal, really. All's well in Forks, even though one of the baddies managed to escape to wreck semi-PG 13 carnage at a later date.

I don't think there was one thing I enjoyed about this movie. The acting was atrocious, the special effects were cartoonish and the pacing was slow. This movie had more stares in it than Meet Joe Black and that's saying a lot. It's as if they filled the remaining 59mins of movie time with stares to compensate for the shallow plot.

Grade: F- It's time I sat down with your parents to discuss your attitude.  

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